


i'll never be this happy again

by ItsLexAgain



Category: IT (2017) RPF, IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bickering, Bisexual Eddie Brock, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Eddie Kaspbrak, Oblivious Richie Tozier, Old Married Couple, Pining as a fucking nail, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-10-24 22:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20713295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsLexAgain/pseuds/ItsLexAgain
Summary: Everything felt different, after Derry. Richie wasn't burnt out and bored and too lazy to come up with his own jokes. Everything just felt...wrong. That was until Eddie turned up after one of his shows, divorce papers in his hands and willing to make Richie's jaw drop every now and then - and preventing him from getting into stupid fights with random fans.





	1. Prolog

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tonixa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tonixa/gifts).

> Welcome, welcome.   
Let's all pretend, okay?

** i'll never be this happy again **

_ _

_ _

_i would've been right there, front row_

_even if nobody came to your show_

_*~*~*_

After all the crazy shit that his return to Derry had brought with it, Richie no longer felt comfortable on stage. He used to love being the center of attention and watching people roll their eyes over some of his inadequate jokes. Still did, really. How good it felt to have all eyes on him, to make people laugh even if they didn't really want to because his jokes were a bit too “dirty” for their tastes.

But that was _before _Derry. Before he had to fight for his life because a mad clown wanted nothing more than to watch him bleed out. Before he remembered things that hadn't been on his mind for years. Before he reunited with the people that had had conquered his heart years ago.

Standing on stage suddenly didn't feel right anymore. But maybe it's been like that for a while, and he just didn't notice. If he had always loved it, he would never have stopped writing his own texts.

_Richie Tozier – Keep On Laughing!!_

He never would have given his show such a ridiculous name, and if he really cared he probably would have changed it. But this was different.

It felt different, after Derry. He wasn't burnt out and bored and too lazy to come up with his own jokes. It just felt...wrong. Standing before an audience, alone and helpless, served on a silver plate – perfect for Pennywise. Although he knew precisely that he would never come back. Bill would probably tell him that he had been traumatized in Derry, but Richie didn't want trauma.

The only thing he really wanted was to walk back on stage again without feeling like a liar. Making jokes, laughing about them, telling anecdotes – being happy. Just being happy. Instead, he was already lying when he appeared on stage and exclaimed “Ah, what a GREAT fucking day it's been!”

After Derry, after Pennywise, Richie wasn't even sure whether good days even existed anymore.

His days had become incredibly simple, filled with existential nullities, and even if he didn't feel like doing any of all that, there was always something to drag him through the day.

_**E**ating shit_

_**D**rinking shit_

_**D**riving to work_

_**I**nteracting with assholes_

_**E**yes shut_

** **

Richie couldn't wait for his final curtain call. Only five more performances before his grand retirement – although he knew it was much too early. And yet, he enjoyed thinking about this unlikely event.

“Every time they say 'that's when she snapped', on Snapped, I'm all alone at my place like 'yeeeaah, she snapped!! He's a dead man!' Just like I am, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much!”

He hated his exit from the stage and he knew he wasn't the only one, even though some kind folks in the audience laughed, albeit out of sympathy or pity. The applause didn't feel deserved, and yet, there he was, standing on stage, grinning and bowing before he left for the stage door after the audience had gone quiet.

There used to be something about the hectic buzzing of the crowd that he enjoyed. Probably because they were all here because of him, smiling triumphantly as they forced themselves through the rows of people, pen and paper already in their hands. And he'd feel so..wanted, and liked, and talented – but today, he just felt tired.

“Tozier! Mr. Tozier! Could I have an autograph please, sir?” Before him stood a small girl, and he wondered whether he was a terrible human because his first instinct was to just continue walking straight ahead. But instead, he took the blue pen from her hand and scribbled his signature on the dark red programme booklet, right on his own face which was depicted on it.

Her father nodded in approval when she turned around to face him, smiling and telling him that she had just received an autograph from Mr. Tozier. “You know, you used to be better, back in the day”, he let Richie know.

“Oh yeah?” Richie stopped for a second, and although he knew that the father before him was indeed right, he just couldn't stop the words from exiting his mouth. “Well, fuck you, too!”

The father's face immediately grew angrier as he covered his daughter's ears. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Your uptight fucking asshole!”

Richie knew that the people around him had begun to stare, that he had once again become the center of attention – and this time it wasn't even the good kind. But that didn't change a thing about his anger and frustration, and the fact that uptight fathers with their daughters could just lead a happy life back home, going to sleep at night without having to leave the lights on. And as he yelled at this man and received some insults as well, he almost didn't hear someone say his name.

“Richie!”

And this voice was suddenly so familiar that Richie completely forgot to counter the man's last insult – which probably would have resulted in a punch to his face.

“Eddie?”

A slim figure had slid under the velvet ropes and now stood right next to him with a bundle of papers pressed against his chest, one hand tightly gripping Richie's upper arm. “Richie, have you gone completely insane?”

Of course, Richie had now completely forgotten all about the angry man before him – next to him stood Eddie, Eddie Kaspbrak, and dammit had he missed those terrible wrinkles on his forehead.

“Fucking hell, what are you doing here, Eddie Spaghetti?”


	2. take a moment

_ take a moment remind yourself to take a moment to find yourself _ _   
_ _ take a moment and ask yourself if this is how we fall apart _

„And why exactly are you here? Did you finally find out that I banged your mum?”

“Shut up, you know that she has been dead for years.”

No, Richie didn’t know that. There were so many recurring memories from Derry, mostly when he was wasted, but the death of Eddie’s mum wasn’t one of them. He even questioned himself why he couldn’t remember her death – maybe it was because his memories were so confusing or simply because Eddie didn’t tell him about it. 

Eddie didn’t tell him, obviously, he wasn’t even able to because they weren’t in touch after Derry – because they forgot each other, and Richie asked himself how he manged to banish Eddie’s face from his memories. Just now he couldn’t comprehend, as he sat right in front of him in his wardrobe. 

„Maybe her orgasm stole her breath.”

“Alright, fuck you, Richie!”

Richie threw his hands in the air. “Hey, hey. Okay. Sorry. But you didn’t answer my question.”

„What question, asshole?“

„Why you’re here“, Richie pointed with his head to the papers in Eddie’s lab, “Because I don’t think you’re here, because you loved my show. And that you want a billion signatures from me.”

“Why not? You’re funny.”   
  
Richie had to grin. „Really?”

“Nein. Your jokes are terrible. They always were, even as we were kids.”

“Oh, really? I know how you fall out of the hammock, because you had to laugh so hard you got a tummy ache.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. „I had no tummy ache because I had to laugh so much, I had a headache, because you threw me out of the hammock.”

“Tell yourself whatever you want, Eddie Spaghetti”, he nodded in Eddie’s direction, “So?”

Eddie viewed the papers in his lab. “These are divorce papers.” 

Riche made an outraged noise. “You can’t do this to me, Eds! We went through so much shit together, you can’t throw that away so easily!”

„Don’t call me Eds“, Eddie stared at him with a disapproving look.

“I thought you’re happily married. That everything is fine with… Marie?”

“Myra”, Eddie didn’t sound happy.

„Yes. Myra“, Richie didn’t sound happy neither. 

„It never went fine between the both of us. Well, maybe she thought so. I should’ve noticed it sooner how much she enjoyed stuffing me full of meds. Sometimes it felt like she was more excited about me using my inhaler than sex itself. Not that there was ever much sex. That’s my fault, I must confess. But she never seemed bothered about it, so I didn’t say anything.”

Richie had so many questions. But he couldn’t ask any of them because Eddie took a deep breath: “Now that I’m thinking about it – I was never happy. Jesus Christ, not even on our wedding day. I saw her in her wedding dress, and I was afraid. Why am I afraid of my own bride, I asked myself and someday I didn’t even bother about finding an answer. It didn’t matter. Myra liked treating me like a child, did I tell you? I was only allowed to eat her food and she decided what I wear, and it all felt so familiar, so I just went along with it. I haven’t eaten any fast food in so many years and don’t get me wrong, I hate cheeseburgers, but I hate even more not being allowed to eat one. And I love black clothes but according to Myra that colour is just causing depressions so I had to wear bright blue shirts for years and I hate bright blue but I couldn’t tell her because she’s terrifying me and  _ if  _ I told her she wouldn’t be angry but  _ disappointed _ .”

“Eddie…“, Richie could see how Eddie’s hand twitched and wanted to grab something.

„I never loved her. Doesn’t that just sound terrible? Jesus Christ, it sounds so terrible. I never loved my wife. I’m such an asshole and now I’m even happy about being here and holding these papers in my hands? But how could I’ve been happy with her? With her controlling me every god damn day. She was so good in it and she was also good in twisting every word I’ve ever said. I am not unhappy, I’m just  _ ungrateful  _ and I wouldn’t appreciate what she does for me. Do you know how long I didn’t hear these words? The last person that ever talked to me like that was my mum and I… fuck. FUCK, I married my mum. I married my fucking mum!”

Eddie took a hectic breath of his inhaler. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to organize his thoughts. “I married my mum…“, he muttered.

„You noticed that just now?”

“Yes! God damnit, I noticed it just now, Richie!”

„I noticed it the very moment you said, that she’d get off on you inhaling. Don’t get me wrong, I love your mum, especially when she’s on her back, but she was a sick woman.”

Eddie nodded. „She made me sick.”

“Okay, your weird Oedipus complex isn’t cause of this divorce, but what is it then? What was the last straw?“ 

„I couldn’t… not…“, Eddie placed his inhaler in a perfect angel on the table between them, “After everything that happened. After Derry and…  _ him.  _ As I came home… I was broken, Richie. And I couldn’t talk with Myra about it, you know? How could I possibly tell her what happened? Without her doubling my meds or sending me into a hospital? I had to act as if everything was fine, as if I didn’t fight with my own dead, as if I’m not traumatized and as if the fucking scar on my stomach doesn’t give me a panic attack every time I see it in the mirror. It was just… too much.” 

Richie nodded and started down on his hands. He could understand him just fine. And he would probably also get a panic attack if he’d see the scar on Eddie’s stomach.

„I’m sorry.“

Eddie looked at him for a moment. “You’re not joking?”

“Why should I make jokes when you feel like shit?!”

“As if you ever thought about not hurting my feelings.”

“Eddie, I’m serious. I’m sorry. For your broken marriage, that you’ve been trapped for so long and all the shit that went down in Derry.”

Eddie looked at Richie’s hands. “Thank you”, he said. 

„So“, Richie bend over the table to reach for the papers in Eddie’s lab, “How is this going? Do you have to list how shitty she is? Do you need me as witness? I’m very convincing. We can act as if she hit you and you were trapped in a marriage filled with domestic violence. Just let me made up a story and I…“

“Oh God, no, shut up! You’re terrible, you know that?”

„What? When you get a divorce you have to end it with a BANG, Eds!”

Eddie had to smile a bit and Richie noticed that he didn’t look sad, for the first time this evening. “Don’t call me that”, Eddie said, but his smile stayed for a bit longer.

„I just have to sign”, he explained, “My lawyer does the rest.”

„You just have to sign?”, Richie asked and Eddie nodded, “Why do you need me then?”

“I don’t need you to sign my divorce papers.”

“Why else are you here then?”, Richie balanced his arms on his knees and tossed the papers on the table. Eddie arranged them perfectly next to his inhaler.

„I just thought“, Eddie’s look jumped troubled between Richie’s eyes, “I mean, having you as support would be nice. And I also thought… I thought, that you’re talking with your best friend about stuff like this… divorce and stuff and… I would like to be that again. Best friends. With you, obviously, just like the old times. 


End file.
